Sadness = Joy

“We fight sadness mightily. We want to be happy. The pursuit of happiness is a national right, a universal obsession. And we think that the obvious way to be happy, to have the lilt, the sparkle, the high of happiness, is to avoid sadness..

After the death of what was a really profound friendship I am deeply contemplating what it means to let myself be sad. I mean REALLY sad. It feels embarrassing. It feels like some how I am weaker for allowing myself to be hurt so much. I fight the tears, I fight the depression. I don’t get depressed, I don’t have regret. How did I let myself get so intertwined with someone? How did I let this mean so much to me that this could hurt SO bad. What did I do wrong? I must have done something wrong.

“…In fact, the opposite is true. It is only through accepting inevitable sadness that true joy is possible… Sadness connects you to core of your vulnerability, and the primal attachments that constitute the web of your experience. It is an energy of release, a thunderstorm that breaks the tension and clears the air. It is a dissolving dance, a chaotic vibration at the cellular level, engendering a healing catharsis vital to your being’s fluidity and resilience..

After reading this I did it. I stayed in bed and cried for hours. I don’t think I have literally ever let myself experience sadness like that before. At first it was scary, embarrassing and I felt weak. My ego struggled to hold on, to say “it doesn’t matter, who cares about so and so, you’re fine.” Eventually, like rain pounding its way through the roof, my ego let go. I felt so deep in to the emptiness that the pit in my stomach that it started to unwind and release. My gasps and sobs transitioned to long deep breaths and sighs of relief. It moved through me. I released it. I didn’t hold it in, I didn’t deny it. I felt it and I learned and I let it go. By FAR one of the most profound healing experiences of my life.

..Avoiding sadness results in a superficial happiness, a kind of laugh-track that masks an all-too-apparent undercurrent of depression: it is a permanent station to which so many lives are tuned.” ~Gabrielle Roth, Maps to Ecstasy

My sadness = my joy. I feel more free and more empowered than ever before.